


that is not canon.

by razussy



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Gift Fic, Oneshot, Other, maxon rights sort of, only pals, please open ur eyes, quick fic, they r friends, zoya i am so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27365695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/razussy/pseuds/razussy
Summary: melissa gets a certain illiterate colonel to read her favorite book series since she was little.
Relationships: Melissa & Colonel Schaeffer (The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	that is not canon.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zoya113](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/gifts).



> count how many times any variation of "friend" is used also this is all just zoya's portrayals i do Not own ideas u will read here

a lazy sunday, where melissa gets to do nothing but laze around all day on her couch and watch silly little youtube videos on her roku television. she would doze in and out from time to time, mainly due to the boredom, even when a few music videos from a decade ago began to play. nothing too out of the ordinary, just a couple of fictional ladies singing in japanese that was heavily auto-tuned.  
yes, it was quite a relaxing day, up until she almost had a heart attack at the sudden voice coming from behind her.

"you like this hate-sunny mike-cue shit, too? i thought i'd be able to escape the major's hellish interests here, but i assumed wrong." as expected, the low voice belonged to her colonel buddy, schaeffer. ignoring the rude comment about maxon, who she has only encountered once in her life, melissa sat up and pushed the blanket off of herself.  
"could you for once be a normal friend and politely knock at my door? i lost count on how many times you've broken into my home, both through the front door and window!" she exclaimed, as she slipped her glasses back on her face. she could've worded that nicer, though it isn't as if the other is too sensitive for the sort of comments she stated every now and again.

"whatever, just turn this garbage off." she grunted in clear annoyance, not at all acknowledging the thousandth complaint of her repetitive crime. technically, it is not a crime if you are close friends with the owner of the apartment. schaeffer rounded the couch and plopped herself down in her favorite spot, watching the screen click out of the video thanks to melissa's doing. without even needing to demand what she wanted, her younger pal opened netflix and found one of the western films she enjoyed rewatching each time she visited.  
it certainly was not as fun for the receptionist as it was for the colonel, but it is better to be finally together than worry about the activities they'd engage in.

as the opening credits began to form on the screen, something that has been burned into melissa's brain by force, she noticed a bit of movement from the corner of her eye. looking over, schaeffer had picked up one of the books on the disorganized coffee table that was in front of the duo; a confused expression formed on her hard face.  
"this a cat?"  
"yes, why?"  
"i should be asking you that." she turned her head over to melissa, pointing at the cat drawing neatly placed at the center of the cover. "what the fuck is a 'warriors'?" that question caused a long, audible gasp come from the other woman - a type of reaction you'd have if you were told the most tragic news. but in this case, it was more offense than it was despair.

"i never told you about warriors? really? even after all these years of me knowing you?" pressed melissa, who was now getting riled up at the thought she never got the chance to ramble on about her favorite book series since she was twelve-years-old.  
"kid, i'm 43, there is no way in hell i know what this kiddy shit is," grumbled schaeffer, as she tossed it on the table, which was snatched back up by her friend. it was an unnecessary gesture to keep schaeffer's attention, though it had worked since she began to stare at her.  
why and how was she already acting like she committed a felony? she thought it was unfair for her to get so offended this early in the visit.

melissa grabbed the roku remote and paused the movie, ignoring the protest and profanity from schaeffer, then turned herself towards her. "it is about time you have some cultural education, schaeffer!" she straightened her back to appear like the bigger person, as if she was the one who runs the joint; the glare she received the entire time made her become a coward.  
"due to my work, i am sure i know more on culture than you do. cats are not culture, they're... dumb animals we keep as pets," retorted schaeffer. it was easy to tell the hesitation indicated she attempted to think about a bigger adjective, but the gears just simply did not clank together.  
"well-!" she started before turning the book over and scanning the back of it.

"aha, look at this! the reading comprehension- er, the reading level is of that to a fifth grader! you can get through these kitties without many thoughts in your head, bro!" she thrusted the novel into schaeffer's rough hands, who was taken by surprise for a split second before her usual miserable face came into view. she hated books and melissa knew this, however... she does seem excited, from what she can infer, so it was best to go along with her friend's strange feline interest and waste their hours together.  
"all right, all right, calm your ass down and i will get through this." she sighed in defeat, cracking open the book and flipping to the page she was told to start at - of course, she'd begin this sudden school assignment after melissa gives an exposition monologue of the series (the spoilers left out, no doubt.)

-

"no, schaeffer-" melissa let out a sigh- "the clan you want your warrior in isn't canon. why would you even name a clan that?"  
"what's wrong with red river clan? it is less of a mouthful than my previous ones."  
"the good, the bad, and the ugly clan is just a reference to your cowboy movies! come on, bud, take this seriously!" whined melissa, as she put down the piece of paper that had scribbly writing on it. there was also a drawing of a brown tomcat underneath the fan-made clan, which matched most children's way of art than it did adult's interpretation. not much can be made when you are only working with crayons was the excuse both of them had.

after a bit of bickering on the clans, the platonic couple went back to silently sketching on the colored pieces of paper, the few moments close to feeling like they were back in a daycare program designed for young kids. the warriors books scattered everywhere, the paper defaced and crumbled thrown aside, the crayons placed broken on the table. surely neither of them felt strange doing this, right? just a little fun - only a little.  
"here's my warriors cat oc: blossomheart!" announced melissa out of the blue, as she proudly held up her drawing of a fluffy feline with an asymmetrical fur pattern.  
"oh... sea?"  
"original character, duh. she's from riverclan and is a little creacher, that's it, she cannot change that!"

schaeffer gave her a nod in acknowledgement, secretly finding this blossomheart too soft for her taste. luckily, she has her own wonderful creation that will be superior to this kid's character. holding up her picture with one hand, she showed melissa her warrior cat; "this is gunknife."  
"wh- i- gunknife??" she shouted, confused at the obscure name she had given the poor kitty. "but cats don't even know what either of those are! you can't just make things up, you have to go with the official suffix choices for their ranks!"  
to schaeffer, this was a loud of nonsense. to make things simple, she stated that her 'oc' would be aware of what weapons were and their proper labels, which resulted in the receptionist to go along with this decision.

melissa took another long gaze at her friend's drawing then squinted her eyes, growing even more lost. "is- is he wearing a cowboy hat?"  
"indeed he is."  
"...why is that?"  
"he's a fucking deputy, of course, why else would he be wearing it?"  
"were you not paying any attention to the stories at all?" groaned melissa, as she leaned back against the couch and dramatically threw her arms in the air. bogus, this was absolutely bogus to her. it isn't hard to grasp the whole set up of how the warriors' life is, especially if the comprehension was at a level for literal children to understand it!

there was a long pause, the frustration she felt gradually simmering down at she listened to the soft pats of her pet's paws against the floorboards. it's just a silly series, thought melissa, there is no reason to be upset. as she thought this, she heard sudden noises of a crayon being used to assault a piece of construction paper; she did not care even to look over or question it at all.  
without warning, she was given a quick nudge before she turned her head to glare at schaeffer - this glare nonexistent as she gazed at the new colored paper and drawing in front of her.  
on the page was a poorly drawn cat that didn't look recognizable at all, and just below it was their two cat characters together... hunting? lord, if only she had the ability to draw.

"i think we can agree on hollyleaf being a great character," said schaeffer, as she let melissa take the piece of paper and cherish it for a few minutes longer.  
"ohh, i believe we can, as well." she agreed with a goofy smile, not wanting to let the picture go. out of a sudden urgency, she stood up from her spot then quickly shuffled to the kitchen - tripping on the way since her leg was asleep - and went in front of her fridge. while there, she found a free magnet and placed the doodles on her fridge in an open space, grinning to herself as she stepped back. it was perfect, fitting right with the other visuals of messy drawings and pages from coloring books.  
shortly after, she returned to the couch and dropped her hands into her lap.

"that was fun! i hope it was for you, too, schaeffer."  
"it was, kid, it was. i want to go back and read over that tigerclaw fella, he is very cool."  
"err... i don't know about that one," chuckled melissa, nervously. schaeffer looked at her as she picked up one of the volumes, almost like a 'do not mention the context because i have no idea what that means' sort of look.  
i guess she read my mind, she thought as she leaned over and read the prologue with her once again in a comfortable silence.

**Author's Note:**

> total count was x, therefore they are NOT DATING just bc they stand near each other doesn't mean they r in love<3


End file.
